Endless nights…

A daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, that is how I defined myself and my world revolved around those facades that I put up every day. Until one day though, the day when I came to know that I have some autoimmune disease and my body started rejecting my own hair follicles all of a sudden. All my hairs withered away in front of me and with it did all my identities.

Suddenly the facades started peeling off and I found myself being stared at from all directions and gawked to the point at which I became afraid of my own reflection in the mirror. I was afraid of the daylight, the outside world it beheld with all those curious eyes which I always found somehow peering at me, invading the very last inch of my own space that I could truly call mine and suddenly it was gone. I felt claustrophobic, suffocating, choked. I was crumbling away and slowly drowning intothe abyss.

If the outside world was grueling, the home was austere.The longing peer in the eyes of the people I loved who yearned for something that deep down I knew was never possible again ate me away from the inside. From denial to unacceptance to finally getting to terms with reality, they were affected in ways I could never apprehend and that in turn affected me. I slowly went into this reclusive shell, building palisades around me, confining myself into this trembling shelter I built.

The long meandering hours of the day slowly trickled into the unwinding night and that’s when the demons came in. Although I had believed that in the night I will seek my refuge, I had mistaken. For you see nights are made of love, of torture, of reminiscence, of solitude, but also of time, endless agonizing time.

Meanwhile the medication that I took was causing various side effects, insomnia being one of them and I found myself staring at the ceiling unable to sleep and somehow I found all those eyes haunting me from every possible direction. I felt violated, abused, disgusted. Finally one night when I thought I couldn’t endure anymore and I felt choked to the last inch of my exhausted lungs, I went up to the roof, and then it happened, something magical. A tranquil silence greeted me and there as I stepped out into the open, I was in presence of the stars in a grand opera of sorts. Looking up at them I realized how insignificant all my problems were as compared to the reticent symphonies they were singing, and then I started listening. I felt at peace. I felt me.

I embraced the night in a way I hadn’t done previously and as we spoke to each other in those weary hours, I felt comforted. In her I finally found acceptance that I was searching for and somehow it gave me strength, strength to embrace myself as she had embraced me. This is the memoir of my sojourn through those long perpetual hours, an anecdote of my romance with those endless nights.

The world outside me had reduced to nothing more than rudimentary blocks of shadows and light, something that I no longer understood and why it haunted me so much no matter how docile it seemed to be

The world outside me had reduced to nothing more than rudimentary blocks of shadows and light, something that I no longer understood and why it haunted me so much no matter how docile it seemed to be..

My palisades were constructed of angst and fear and in my shambling eroding shelter that I put up, I was truly alone; afraid to reach out, scared to stay

My palisades were constructed of angst and fear and in my shambling eroding shelter that I put up, I was truly alone; afraid to reach out, scared to stay..

As the strands of my hair grew ever so thinner with each passing day, the bounds separating the absurdity to reality became more murkier

As the strands of my hair grew ever so thinner with each passing day, the bounds separating the absurdity to reality became more murkier..

Yes, that was me and as I held a polaroid of my own from sometime past I couldn’t help but feel how our identities are contingent of the times and phases we live through..

Yes, that was me and as I held a polaroid of my own from sometime past I couldn’t help but feel how our identities are contingent of the times and phases we live through..

5.In my vain attempts to come round, I only fell deeper and in those long unending hours of turmoil I sat, silently weeping to myself..

In my vain attempts to come round, I only fell deeper and in those long unending hours of turmoil I sat, silently weeping to myself..

In those moments when the mental turmoil was too much to bear, I sought relief, I yearned to get away.  “and every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. –Allan Moore”

In those moments when the mental turmoil was too much to bear, I sought relief, I yearned to get away.
“and every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. –Allan Moore”

5

In the veil that I had put up I was slowly losing the grip of my own identity, I was afraid of looking into the mirror, to look into the eyes of anyone whom I loved, afraid to even exist..

And then I stepped out and in those inceptive moments that I stepped onto the darkness, the zephyr of the night greeted me, as it had greeted so many others, for centuries past and somehow it carried a sense of all their presence who had belonged to the night..

And then I stepped out and in those inceptive moments that I stepped onto the darkness, the zephyr of the night greeted me, as it had greeted so many others, for centuries past and somehow it carried a sense of all their presence who had belonged to the night..

The reticent symphonies of the universe bore a message to me with vehemence and as I sat there listening to their melancholy, my soul was rekindled gradually

The reticent symphonies of the universe bore a message to me with vehemence and as I sat there listening to their melancholy, my soul was rekindled gradually..

And as I set my sail to the great east wind, I slowly let go of my entire premonition, of all the masquerades, of all the barriers that I had hastily put up. For the first time in years, which seemed like eons, I started to embrace myself..

And as I set my sail to the great east wind, I slowly let go of my entire premonition, of all the masquerades, of all the barriers that I had hastily put up. For the first time in years, which seemed like eons, I started to embrace myself..

..and I simply let myself be..

..and I simply let myself be..

There were times I sat motionless for hours and sometimes I screamed my heart out to her. And she held me. She kept me still, kept me calm and with every passing night I grew fond of her little by little..It was here in this darkness of endless nights, I found a girl, whom I had long thought lost. I found me.. And “I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope”…. T.S.Eliot

There were times I sat motionless for hours and sometimes I screamed my heart out to her. And she held me. She kept me still, kept me calm and with every passing night I grew fond of her little by little.. It was here in this darkness of endless nights, I found a girl, whom I had long thought lost. I found me..
And “I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope”…. T.S.Eliot

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